MY BAD.. I F*$&’ED UP

When I was 19 I fell in love . We were in this beautifully crazy relationship  that just worked, and if I’m being honest being with him was never something I wanted since he was my best friend; I don’t think best friend is enough to explain who was to me he was more like a confident, my personal comedian, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, even times my personal ATM.  Either way that was my buddy and being girlfriend and boyfriend would be a disaster because of how close we were which was too important to me,… that took priority over my own wants, yet he being ever the optimist persisted otherwise.  It’s not like he was so ugly that I decided to friendzone him or anything like that, on the contrary he was very handsome, he still is actually. Experience proved to me loyal friendships without incentives or ulterior motives are hard to come by, so when one is found like such it’s important to hold onto it.

Through all the resistance and excuses mainly on my part as well as some drama we dated.  That’s when I learned that in some instances it’s okay to mix love and friendships, because sometimes you get something that’s special… and what he and I had was just that special. I often joke  when I look back at our relationship that he and I had to be the Breanna and Arnaz of our peers… and we really were lol. If you watched UPN back in the early 2000’s you’ll understand that reference. So yeah just like Breanna and Arnaz we too dated and we loved it; the difference is that it was short lived. Granted we had our issues and arguments just like every other couple, he and I were able to work through whatever came our way due to us having a pretty solid base before dating, whatever it was we worked through it until it was time for us to go our separate ways.  Breaking up was hard! I mean this was the man who sat on the phone with me every day making family decisions while naming our imaginary children; yet it needed to be over, besides I’ve never been the type to stick around when I’m not wanted or worse after I’ve been cheated on. Not only was I hurt, but I was angry and his face was the worst thing that ever .

I never knew hurt like this existed; here I finally gave my heart to the one guy that fought for it for the last 3 years even though I fought him like crazy yet somehow he still managed to steal it, giving me his in return and this is what he does with it?  That was when I made up in my mind that I’d rather date a stranger than a friend. I cried for a year it hurt like hell! Being cheated on left me dealing with all these emotions from feeling insecure; angry, deceived, less than, rejected, betrayed and heart broken. This was my first time experiencing both betrayal & heartbreak since he was unfaithful to me with my so called best friend , talk about a year of first huh. I got to say I learned many a lesson along the way two of the most important ones being:

  1.  Not everyone who declares their your friend actually means it no matter how well you think you know the person
  2. In a relationship problems are always best to be kept between the partners,  what happens in house gets resolved in house.

Now here I am years later and last night I finally had to accept my truth: The reason our relationship failed wasn’t all his fault. I wasn’t as evolved as I am now back then; the old me didn’t communicate effectively without yelling, was undergoing therapy for anger management as well as tons of other things I couldn’t explain. So as a result I became nearsighted only on my issues and none of his thus taking his love and affection for granted which was wrong. I wasn’t the best girlfriend I could be so I understand why baby did what he did although I don’t excuse it, I can see my faults in it too. Crazy that it’s taken me 9 years to admit that. Facts doesn’t change that my ex boyfriend and ex friend are still guilty as the day they both decided to be unfaithful to me yet, I had a hand in pushing my first love into the arms of another . All because I didn’t know how to love him the way he needed. I f*$&ed up big time and f*$&ed up what could’ve been a great future with my first love. But how could I give love when I never knew how. My parents never taught me about dating or what to expect/ not to expect from a man.

All my mother ever told me was the annual : Boys are the devil don’t let them touch you focus on your books” speech every year before school started as all my girlfriends did from their Haitian mothers. As for my dad… well he mentally checked out on me before I even grew into my first pair of boobs, Dementia took him away from me so an honest heart to heart father daughter talk wasn’t in the works especially since half the time he didn’t know who I was. My brother was too busy filling in the gap as my dad to give his  baby sister advice , needless to say the birds and the bees talk was a very awkward unnecessary grabbing of my mom’s crotch. (Still don’t know why she grabbed her stuff maybe to make a point) .

I think it’s safe to say that everything I learned about love and relationships I learned myself through television, friends stories, and romance novels I idealised instead of realised.  You know sometimes I often think about my ex… I do miss him sometimes, not in  romantic way but the most important thing we had… our connection our friendship our bond. Experience is the best teacher is what they say right? You know the consequence to messing up, is living my adult life without him in it. Next time I date I know to do better.

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